((i’m going to drown myself in the iu tag after this, no worries))

i hate myself right now. like, i generally disapprove of my existence, but currently i can’t get over how disappointed i am in myself.

i care too much, cry too little. people like me hate crying, we hate getting sympathy, we hate talking about what bothers us in fear of wasting the other person’s time. we have to keep telling ourselves every night before bed that our tears are too precious; even for our own selves. sure we break sometimes, but only in front of our own reflection. if a person like me cries in front of you, they have lost in life. i have to remind myself everyday that i only matter to myself. i live for my mother, i strive for my father, and i have to be strong for my sisters. but if i’m constantly reminded that i only matter to people as a cheerful fucking flower that will listen to all their shit, and be there for them till the wee hours of the morning, and expect not a single shoulder to rent for even an hour in return; WHAT THE FUCK AM I ALIVE FOR????

do i even matter or am i just some emotional doormat that you can wipe off your dirt on, walk away, and have a great fucking life? do i not deserve to be included in your happiness? is it only my job to ‘be there’ in this so called friendship we’re tied in?

i’m such a hypocrite tho and i hate it.

i hate myself. i tried to cry and i couldn’t. i even belittled myself in front of the mirror, but all i did was barely smudge my mascara. because i know i’m an awfully lame, painfully unattractive person, who will never have  more friends that i already do. and i can’t afford to be an ungrateful little bitch. and i have to be okay with that. fml.